When
I signed up for Interpersonal Communication in the Summer of 2020, I thought
there wouldn't be a lot for me to learn. For the most part, I have a good grasp
on how to speak with others and always try to use tact, patience, and
understanding when conversing with anyone. By week three, it was clear there
would be a lot to take in and, as I should have known, there is always
something to learn.
Most
would refer to me as a "people pleaser." This tendency to make
everyone happy makes it hard for me to assert myself. When it comes to my
children or something I feel strongly about, I can speak up and out. I feel my
face grow warm each time I must do this, but I don’t let that stop me.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of other instances where I don’t assert myself
for fear I may come off as abrasive or pushy. I have frequently confused
aggressiveness with assertiveness. Instead of speaking up, I fall back into a
passive tone to avoid any kind of conflict. Interpersonal Communication taught
me an important lesson: Assertiveness is not a bad thing! It's really just
"clearly expressing [your] thoughts, feelings, and wants" (Adler et
al. 159). I specifically appreciated the video by Professor Myra Bozeman (Assertive Behavior in Interpersonal
Communication). Many of the points she made hit home for me. The most striking
thing she said was, "When we are assertive, we are in a position to
influence others to treat us as we would prefer to be treated." By acting
in a passive way, I am showing a lack of self-worth and that my opinions are
not equally important. I want to show others I am important and can add to any
conversation. This could influence them to seek out my opinion. It also shows
it's not just productive to demonstrate assertiveness, it’s good for our
health! While I’m sure this doesn’t mean I can skip the treadmill, it does mean
there is potential for increased self-esteem and less stress (Mayo Clinic).
When used well, assertiveness is a win-win for everyone involved.
With
my new assertiveness, I learned the importance of using specific types of
language. Since certain messaging can invoke defensiveness, we need to be
careful about how we interact with others. One of my go-tos in communicating with
others is my sense of humor.
It helps me feel comfortable contributing to
conversations. It was a surprise to me to find when using it, I may be
committing some faux pas. Not all humor is created the same and not everything
is funny to everyone. It's essential to be mindful of our approach. Interplay
cautions against the use of sarcasm since it "can be used as passive
aggression" (Adler et al. 375). Humor should never be used to tear others
down or as a "crazymaker weapon" (Adler et al. 375). While most of my
jokes are good-spirited and not used for any form of attack, I am guilty of
invoking sarcasm from time to time. I find I use it a lot more in my home, with
my family than with any others. My attempts at sarcastic humor are not
intended to be hurtful, mean, or aggressive. The guidance in Interplay really
struck a chord with me and has made me consider my words when speaking and
joking with those around me. The intent of our humor is not always clear.
Certain comments, even in jest, can invoke a defensive reaction. Since I never
want to cause pain to anyone, especially to my loved ones, I have listened to
the counsel in Interplay. As the great Maya Angelou said, "When you
know better, do better." Thankfully, there has not been any irreversible
damage caused by my previous failed attempts at humor.
Lastly,
but most recently, I have come to appreciate how important the use of
paraphrasing can be, both in personal and professional environments.
Paraphrasing is “feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you
thought the speaker sent” (Adler et al. 221). It's a good way of acknowledging
you understand what the other person is saying. My boss was doing just this in
a meeting earlier in the week. A vendor was explaining how much they would
agree to accept as payment on an open balance. In order to make sure he was
hearing them correctly, and get an additional “yes” on the amount, he used the
phrase, “What I hear you saying is…” Once I saw him using a tactic straight out of Interplay,
it became clear just how effective it can be. Paraphrasing in this
situation allowed us to agree upon the amount we would send our vendor. I have
always admired his ability to speak clearly and intelligently to any audience. The
skill of paraphrasing can also be useful in personal relationships. Without
realizing it, I have used paraphrasing in my discussions before. It can help
diffuse a tense situation. Above all else, I have found that misunderstandings
tend to cause the most arguments. When people keep an open line of
communication with one another, it is less likely there will be distress. This
is especially true if the communication employs tools like paraphrasing to
ensure there are no misunderstandings.
Interpersonal
Communication is full of information to help enrich our lives and our
relationships. When we use the tools provided in the course and the text, Interplay,
it is almost impossible not to succeed. While my greatest lessons learned
focus on verbal communication, there are a lot more varied lessons to take from
the course. I look forward to further improvements in my interactions with
others and encourage everyone to find something they think they are good at and
learn more about it. You may find yourself enriched beyond your expectations.
Works
Cited
Adler, Ronald B., et. al. Interplay:
The Process of Interpersonal Communication. 13th Ed., Oxford
University Press, 2015.
“Assertive Behavior in Interpersonal
Communication.” Youtube, uploaded by LEZakel, 25 Feb 2011, youtube.com/watch?v=DjULgX5U2uc.
Mayo Clinic, staff. “Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better.” Mayo
Clinic. 29 May 2020, mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644.
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